my diarymy diary12/04/2009
sorry for spending the money you gave me on buying you a present but its really good isnt it!!?!?? its our favorite chocolates...
that you love sharing with me dont you... <3
11/22/2009
i loooooove sleeping pills
11/19/2009
i slept the entire day again... but its not like i had anywhere to go anyways
11/07/2009
today i was getting groceries and this cashier looked so weird at me... i think my scars were slightly visible...
what does it matter to you anyways? you have never seen someone with anxiety!!?? and issues!?!?! AND THAT HURTS THEMSELVES!?!?!?? WHATT THE HELL!!!
10/31/2009
going outside in a costume today was so embarassing, i definitely got some weirded out stares, but it was fun,
i even got some candy, i'm not sure i want to share all of it with you though lol!
10/19/2009
i love rainy days, staying inside under my blankets and just listening to the sound of the rain...
but it's been a while since i actually went outside while it was raining, i forgot what it was like to be soaked in it,
and i had my cutter in my pocket too for some reason
10/12/2009
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooohhhhhhhhhguhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shittttttttttttttt
10/09/2009
i have nothing left to take but if i go to the pharmacy at this hour im just going to look like a freakkkkkkkkk
10/01/2009
thank you for listening to me today, you didn't have to do that, but you did
i know that doesn't fix anything, but at least now you know, it made me really happy
09/28/2009
i was in the bathroom doing the deed earlier and someone knocked on my door and when i went to check through
the peep hole it was some stupid shirt-in-pants religious freaks trying to talk to me about the lord
it made me so mad i almost opened the door and let them see all the blood running down my arms but i just pretended no one was home
in the end when i went back to the bathroom i had already completely lost whatever will i had to do it so i just went back to bed
09/26/2009
mom called me today to ask about college, i froze in place and didn't know what to respond, so i just
ended up hanging on the phone and waited for her to call back, but when the phone rang i was so scared i
couldn't pick it up
hopefully she just assumed she had the wrong number, or maybe she finally gave up on me
09/19/2009
im keeping that up to beat myself up with it when i feel like going through that again
P<>PLEASEEE IM SORYRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
09/18/2009 p>love meeeeeeeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeeee<7p>
09/04/2009
i miss him, i miss being by his side, i miss how he would comfort me, he had an awful sense of humor, about making fun of others, it honestly made me sick at first, it made me feel laughed at, but he kept sticking around, and eventually i realized he was as alone as me
i keep looking at these pics we took on our last days of high school, you wrote "don't forget me", but i did, i don't recall anything of you now, it's all gone, and it's my fault and it's too late, i'm sorry
08/22/2009
i took so much random shit drugs this weekend im actually making this update a couple of days later... i can't even remember most of it, did we...? that must have been sickening, i'm sorry, i didn't vomit again, did i?
08/14/2009
it's so easy to be loved, all you have to do is gift yourself, isn't that amazing? just taking some of these, and letting them act for me
why did no one ever tell me about this before? even when i already belong to you, it feels so good to just do it this way, so why do you look so unhappy when that's how things go?
08/06/2009
what...? what the hell is this? i need to stop trying to update my website when im under the effects of... whatever the hell i have been taking this weekend, what evenis this? these?
as if there really was a god out there LOL there's no helping the human race!!!
08/02/2009
i wonder what it's like to be dead, does it hurt? does it feel safe? does it even feel like anything at all? i wonder if when i die, i will go to heaven, if i do, i'd like to be an angel, if i do, i'd like to be at peace
i wonder, if it rains, does heaven look gray? is there a heaven? if there is a heaven, please turn me into an angel then i would be able to look over the people i care the most about
07/26/2009
07/24/2009
oh godddddddddd god that was awful whh why why why why did i do that why did i even think it was a good ide a to do that, it felt like my brain was melting along with all the flesh and muscles in my head, even if you hadn't stopped me in the middle of it i would have still vomited all over myself halfway through just why. i felt like a fucking useless moron, a naked, pathetic, sobbing, drugged moron, and now i have to wash my sheets AGAIN07/21/2009
that was one of the stupidest decisions i've taken in just the last week, i don't even know why i thought drinking beer would be fun, it felt exactly the same as it did back then, except this time it was even more useless, i didn't even have a reason to drink, fml07/10/2009
i drew something today, it felt nice07/04/2009
i'm so grateful to have you07/02/2009
no matter what i did the blood just wouldn't stop spurting out of the cuts, it got all over my sheets and even my best friend i went to the bathroom and tried to wash it off in the sink but it just kept going, it wouldn't stop, every time it's so scary and yet i just keep doing it i can't stop doing it, it's the only way for these thoughts to go away, even if it's for a while, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry
i don't know what to do anymore, it's never enough, nothing is enough to heal me, nothing is enough to make me feel better, in fact, i don't even deserve to feel better i did this to myself, all of the bad things that have happened to me, i did them to myself, i don't deserve to heal
07/02/2009
i don't even know how i ended up with you, i know you will read this, i'm sorry, if you are here only because you felt bad for me, you can leave now, it's no use07/02/2009
everything hurts so much all the time, and i can't even do anything about it because i dug this hole on my own, i'm the one that cut ties with all of his friends and i'm the one that keeps purposefully disconnecting from everything and everyone i will never get better06/29/2009
leave it to me to be so stupid as to fall for a scam pfftttt, i will forever stay an idiot06/18/2009
took a bunch of xanax today whle they are away f or the weekend06/03/2009
i look cute in that picture, it's not that i hate my self image, but sometimes it's more about looking in the mirror and thinking "wow, i can't believe I'M the stupid idiot i'm looking at right now"05/28/2009
spent the entire day in a mental haze laying on my bed05/25/2009
i thought about chris today, i remembered how we would spend most afternoons after school together, even when i didn't feel like it, even when i wanted to be alone, he would be there for me, for better or for worse he is probably worried sick about me, or hates me for abandoning him the way i did after that night, either option makes me feel like shit, from now on i won't think about chris anymore05/16/2009
and with this one, it's all open to the world, hello world